


That Itchy Twitchy Feeling

by EndoratheWitch



Series: Gotham Holidays [20]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series, Batman: The Dark Prince Charming (Comics), Harley Quinn (Comics), Suicide Squad (2016), The Joker - Fandom
Genre: Cute Kids, F/M, Gags, Itching, Meddling Kids, Party, Super glue, Uninvited Guests, non-abusive Joker and Harley Quinn, smut because...me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:08:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23178997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EndoratheWitch/pseuds/EndoratheWitch
Summary: Another April Fool's, and another Wayne Party
Relationships: Joker (DCU)/Harleen Quinzel
Series: Gotham Holidays [20]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/603136
Comments: 12
Kudos: 27





	That Itchy Twitchy Feeling

The ice eased the pain a little. 

Harley held the rag wrapped around a half dozen ice cubes to his left eye as Joker leaned back against the couch of their hideout and groaned. “I don’t know why he had to hit so hard or keep hitting me! A simple, “I don’t like what you did,” would be enough! I mean really!! He is so uptight. So I killed a dozen people! It wasn’t like they were good people! They were reporters! A couple were even bloggers. I was doing Gotham a favor!! He never appreciates the favors we do for this city...” Joker muttered. “Batsy is such a sour puss…ow! Harley!! That hurt!” 

Harley sighed, running her tongue over her slightly swollen lip from where Robin had punched her. She could still taste a little blood in her mouth. 

She frowned at Joker trying to settle the ice pack better on his face. “Puddin, stop moving or hold the ice yourself.” 

Joker stuck his bottom lip out, giving Harley his best pouty, little bad boy face until she groaned followed by a giggle. “You are so cute.” 

Joker smiled at her. She saw a little blood still on his teeth and around his nostrils still, but his smile was gorgeous. “Not as cute as you sweets,” Joker purred moving her hand with the ice pack away from his face and pulled her onto his lap. Harley let him, moving with him to straddle his lap and dropping the ice to the side. She caressed her fingers through his hair, stroking the thick green locks back from his pale face, easing his head back against the couch. 

“My poor puddin,” she cooed while Joker laid his hands on her hips, stroking down her thighs. She was wearing her traditional jester suit, his favorite of her outfits. Her hair was a mess at the moment since she had pulled off her headpiece and pulled out her pigtails, but her thick golden hair fell to her shoulders in a sexy blonde wave with that messy just rolled out a bed look that always made his groin tighten. He loved that look on her, like they had just had a tumble in bed. 

He reached up to lightly touch a bruise along her jaw that was turning a deep purple. 

“That little shit did that?” he asked. 

Harley nodded. “Yeah, he’s getting bigger and his punches are starting to hurt more.” 

Joker muttered, “Need to introduce that kid to a crowbar.” 

Harley giggled. “Don’t worry about it puddin, he’ll get bored and we’ll get a new Robin soon enough.” 

Joker made a face. “Ugh, not another one! I can’t keep them straight any more. He needs to get one with a different hair color or something…” he groused. 

Harley smiled and brushed her fingers through his hair, making him relaxed, her nails lightly stroking against his scalp. He closed his eyes as she whispered to him, “Don’t think about boy wonders any more puddin, we got away and they are both probably pissed. I bet Batman is really upset--he hates it when we win.” 

Joker chuckled, opening his eyes sleepily to gaze up at her before pulling her down for a slow, deep, knee weakening kiss. Harley moaned softly while holding him close, all her cuts and bruises forgotten as his kiss made a warm wave of pleasure wash over her. She slid her fingers through his green hair, enjoying how soft her puddin’s hair was while his tongue caressed hers. After a few moments Joker pulled away from her only to rub his long nose against hers. 

“How about we go take a shower then cuddle in bed,” Joker purred. “We could watch the morning news and eat cereal. I’m sure we’ll be all over the Gotham Morning Show this morning. We can see if anyone got any good footage of how funny we were, at least until Batwiener showed up with his pet Robin and ruined the joke. Then we can sleep all day.” He licked her throat and Harley shivered at the delightful feel of his tongue against her skin. 

Harley purred. “Mm...puddin, that sounds perfect.” 

Joker chuckled. “Good.” 

He grasped her firmly and pushed himself up. Harley squealed wrapping herself tight around him, her legs snug around his waist, and her arms around his shoulders. He adjusted his hold on her once he was standing, only weaving a little (Batman had hit him a few times in the head...again), before he carried her to the shower. 

* 

Once they were in the shower, Joker set Harley on her feet and started the water. They both stripped, leaving their clothing in a heap by the sink for Bob to grab later. They stepped into the shower together, both of them groaning as the warm water washed away the dirt, grime, and blood from tonight's escape. 

Together they washed each other, washing each other’s hair and bodies. Joker grinned, taking his time as he soaped up Harley’s breasts. 

“Mm...this is my favorite part of bath time,” he said softly. 

Harley giggled, but her giggles were cut short by a soft moan as he stroked her nipples. “Puddin…” she whispered as she rolled her eyes in pleasure. 

Joker pinched her nipples before wrapping his soapy hands around her to pull her up against him under the head of the shower. He kissed her long and deep, the warm water showering down on them and rinsing off the soapy bubbles. Joker slowly kissed her wet throat, his tongue tracing the slope of her neck with a deep growl in the back of his throat. 

Biting her lip, Harley ran her hands down his slender, toned arms; she loved the play of muscle under his ghost white skin. Her hands explored his chest, then moved them slowly down along his stomach, his muscles twitching at her touch as she moved lower, teasingly brushing her fingers against his erection. She licked his tongue, her fingertips brushing his quickly hardening shaft. She felt him twitch and groan deeply at her touch and smiled. 

She made a soft moan when his tongue licked her ear while his hands explored the slope of her back, then slid down along her hips. He reached down to cup her rear, pressing her pelvis against him while his tongue glided along hers, sending ripples of pleasure through her entire body, pooling at her nipples and groin. 

His fingers caressed her bruises, sliding over her cuts and scrapes; the mix of pleasure and slight pain only told her she was alive and in her puddin’s arms. 

Joker backed her up against the wall of the shower, his mouth capturing hers in a deep, slow kiss, his hands sliding over her breasts, gently pinching and caressing her nipples until Harley was writhing against the wall. “Uh...puddin…” 

Joker continued to kiss her deeply, his mouth moving over hers slowly, and relished every moment of their kiss. He squeezed her breasts, pinching her nipples a little harder, making his wife groan. 

“You are so hot, my little murderous minx,” he purred, pinching her nipples again. “I think a little getting dirty before finishing our shower is in order. I know it’ll help me sleep better. What about you?” 

Harley licked his lower lip. “Oh yeah puddin, that’ll help me sleep a lot better.” 

Joker chuckled. “Good.” 

He pulled her away from the wall. 

He turned her around to face the running water, her backside against his hard, hot erection. Harley bent over to give him better access to her, reaching around to grab her hips while Joker spread her legs, his hands caressing her backside for a few moments before he slid his fingers between her ass cheeks and slowly ran his fingers over her. 

Harley groaned, followed by a delighted gasp as he entered her. Instead of holding her hips, he reached for her wrists. He held on tightly to her wrists, thrusting into her at the same time. He penetrated her so deeply that Harley gasped, almost losing her footing in the slippery shower, but her keen balance helped keep her steady as Joker thrust into her with hard, firm strokes. 

She came almost immediately with a deep cry of delight. 

Joker growled holding tightly to her wrists, watching the way her ass vibrated with each thrust. It was beautiful to watch. She felt so good, so hot, so wet as he thrust into her, plunging deep into her body. When she came a second time, quickly on the heels of the first, her body tightened firmly around his throbbing erection, and Joker climaxed with a loud cry. He yanked back on her arms, arching his back, emptying into her until he felt weak, his knees wobbly, his entire body drained of the last of his strength. 

He released her wrists with a sigh, pulling out of her at the same time with a pleasurable, tickling shudder. 

Harley stumbled a little when Joker pulled out. She had been exhausted before, now she was just bone tired and happily relaxed and loose. 

When she stood up straight Joker turned her around to kiss her, cupping the side of her face as he did so. “Mm, my perfect little harlequin,” he murmured. “Let’s clean up and get in bed.” 

Harley gave him soft butterfly kisses. “That...sounds...perfect...puddin…” 

Joker chuckled, grabbing the soap again. 

* 

A few minutes later, the two of them were in bed, their pillows piled up behind them. They wore their pajamas, Joker in a pair of purple and green striped pajamas, his green hair drying in a mass of thick curls, and Harley, her wet hair piled on top of her head and held in place by a large plastic clip, was wearing a matching pair (also men’s pajamas), but with red and black stripes. They had blankets piled on them and were both eating large bowls of Lucky Charms cereal while the Gotham Morning Show played on their television. 

The reporter, Regina Reynolds, smiled at the screen. Her short hair had an almost helmet-like quality and the brown pant suit she wore brought out the brown in her hazel eyes. 

“Late last night at the Gotham Reporters Conference, Joker and Harley Quinn, Gotham’s notorious clowns of crime, attacked the conference. There was no robbery or reason given, but a half dozen people in attendance succumbed to Joker’s laughing gas.” Some images were put up on the screen, one showing Joker and Harley laughing as Batman chased them around the convention center. Harley snickered. “That’s pretty funny.” She pointed at the screen with her spoon, but Joker was pouting. 

Joker grumbled. “Only six!! I think I might have to adjust the gas formula, Harls. Gothamites are becoming immune.” He added with a mutter, “And they didn’t even get the best part of last night, our fantastic entrance!!” He stuck his bottom lip out. “Now see? That’s why we had to do that last night, the reporters around her are really starting to lack in their news reporting skills. I would have thought at least one of them would have filmed our entrance…Slackers.” 

Harley had a large bite of cereal in her mouth and only answered with a mumbled agreement. 

“While Batman was able to save the rest of those attending the convention, Joker and Harley Quinn escaped.” Regina frowned and looked seriously at the camera. 

Harley snickered again. “Haha!! Made Batsy look like a boob again!” 

“In other news, this weekend Bruce Wayne will be celebrating April Fool’s with his annual April Fool’s Charity dinner and auction to be held at Wayne Manor to raise money for a new park and youth center for the Robbinsville area of the city.” Regina smiled as an image of Bruce Wayne came up on the screen. 

Harley wrinkled her nose. “I bet there are going to be all sorts of big wigs there, bunch of hoity toity fashion models and old men with too much money. Or playboys like Bruce Wayne, all of them so constipated on their own rich, elite, pompous selves, not any of them have a good sense of humor...” 

Glancing sideways at Harley, Joker muttered. “You don’t think he’s hot like everyone else in Gotham?” 

Harley made a face, wrinkling her nose and sticking out her tongue. “No, he’s boring puddin! Basic black hair, boring chiseled chin. He’s like a generic cook. Now you…” She cuddled up close. 

“You’re like getting to eat my favorite dessert…” She reached up and stroked her fingers through his hair. “You are hot puddin.” 

Joker purred and leaned into her touch. “Mm...thank you sweets.” 

Harley kissed his ear. “Anytime puddin!!” 

Joker smiled, chewing on a bite of his cereal and watching the screen. Harley glanced sideways at him. She could see the gears turning in his head. He was planning something, she was sure of it. She didn’t ask what he was thinking, she knew it was best to let him simmer on a plan; he would tell her when he was ready. 

A yawn distracted her, one of those bone tired yawns that she could feel through her entire body. She drained the milk from the remains of her cereal and dropped her bowl on her bedside table. 

Joker did the same and they both snuggled under the covers. Harley (who always had the remote) flicked off the television. Joker lay on his back putting his arm out for Harley to snuggle close, laying her head on his chest. He wrapped his arm tight around her once she was in position. 

“Night sweets,” he murmured sleepily, kissing the top of her head. 

“Night puddin,” Harley whispered back and planted a kiss on his chest. Within moments they were both sleeping soundly. 

* 

The sound of giggling woke Harley up. 

Joker was gone from the bed, but she could hear the sound coming from the living room of their hideout followed by the sound of Frost saying in the tone of voice he used when he was trying to convince Joker something was a bad idea. She couldn’t quite hear what was being said, but Joker sounded excited. 

She hopped up and dressed quickly, pulling on a pair of black leggings and a red and black halter top. She released her hair, letting it fall to her shoulders, brushing the thick golden hair out with her fingers before she headed barefoot out into the living room. 

* 

Joker wore a pair of green and black striped pants, a white dress shirt that was only partly buttoned up, leaving a large section of his chest exposed (sexy Harley thought biting her bottom lip with want when she saw him) and a pair of red and green suspenders. He was sitting between Bob (dressed in a pretty sparkling purple tutu) and Frost. Joker had a laptop sitting on his lap and he was scrolling through something on the web. 

“I don’t see why I can’t dress up as a French maid. My legs would rock in a dress like that, especially with a pair of heels!” Joker protested. 

Frost sighed. “Boss, I know you’re right, but I think people at this shindig would notice.” 

Harley skipped over to them. Bob saw her and jumped to his feet, grabbing Harley up in a big bear hug and lifting her off her feet. Harley giggled hugging the big man back. 

“Hey Bob!!” She gave the big man two loud kisses, one on each cheek to which Bob blushed and smiled, the silent giggles shaking his body. 

“Evening Miss Quinn,” Frost said with a smile to which Harley waved at him over Bob’s shoulder. 

Joker looked up from where he was glaring at the computer (and Frost). “Good evening cupcake! Sleep all right?” 

Harley nodded as Bob put her back on her feet, but he didn’t let her sit right away. Instead he frowned while examining the bruise on her cheek. “Slept great. So what are you guys talking about and what’s this about a French maid’s outfit?” 

Bob sat Harley down next to Joker before taking a seat once more on the couch. The entire piece of furniture groaned loudly in protest. 

Joker pointed at the computer screen. “Brucie’s dinner and auction is looking for wait staff. I had this fabulous idea…” 

Harley giggled. “You always have fabulous ideas puddin.” 

He stopped and grinned at her. “I do, don’t I?” He kissed her cheek. “Thank you for always reminding me of that sweets.” 

Harley grin. “Just one of my jobs puddin.” 

Joker wrinkled his nose playfully at her and continued. “Well, last night when you said that all these rich people and models and such are all constipated…” 

Harley nodded. “Yeah, I remember…” 

“Well, I thought it would be a good idea to give them an enema…” Joker giggled. “I thought we coud slip in as part of the wait staff and spike the food and drink…” 

Harley made a face at him. “Haven't we done this before? I’m pretty sure we have…” 

Joker frowned, narrowing his eyes. “Have we?” 

Harley nodded. “Yeah, I think so…you seem to have this obsession with making everyone shit themselves, especially at Bruce Wayne parties, puddin. I think as your doctor we might want to talk about…” 

Joker pouted and folded his arms across his chest. “Well if you are going to be such a sour puss about it…” 

“No, no...sorry puddin...go on…” Harley smiled, putting her hands up. 

Joker muttered. “Some jokes are classic and giving people the shits is always funny.” 

Harley giggled. “It is, you’re right puddin.” 

Joker narrowed his eyes at her. “You’re just saying that…” 

“How about this puddin...instead of giving everyone diarrhea, how about we spike their food and drink with something that makes them itchy, or break out in hives? Like really ugly hives so that some of those super models have scars afterwards…” Harley said with a bit of venom in her voice. 

Joker frowned in thought for a moment, then slowly Harley watched as a smile spread across his narrow face. “Harley...that’s brilliant!!” He grabbed her face in both hands and kissed her, the kiss immediately going into a erotic tongue twisting kiss that made Frost look away. 

When Joker finally released Harley, he murmured. “See, this is why you’re the best sweets, you help me come up with the funniest jokes. You are the Lucy to my Desi.” 

Harley giggled happily. “I love you puddin.” 

“I love you my little minx,” Joker purred, rubbing his nose against hers before letting her go. “All right, change of plans. Gonna spike the punch and food to make them scratch themselves into bloody messes!” Joker announced. “But now, back to the French maid outfit…” 

Harley laid a hand on his arm. “Puddin, I think I’m gonna have to agree with Frost this time. You would stand out too much.” 

Joker sighed. “All right, is this destroying Joker’s ideas day?” 

Harley giggled. “No, but how about when we get home after the party we do some role-playing? I could dress up as King Louis and you could dress up like Marie Antoinette…” She waggled her eyebrows seductively at him. “And I could get under your dress and…” She leaned close and whispered exactly what she would do under that dress to him. Joker’s blue eyes widened, his smile turning slightly goofy before he giggled. “Okay Harls, you win. Dress up after the party.” 

Frost sighed with relief, though the image of Joker in a Marie Antoinette dress with the wig was now prancing through his imagination. 

Harley smiled. “Bob, you think you could make us some French royalty outfits for this weekend?” 

Bob nodded and gave Harley a thumbs up. 

Joker clapped his hands. “Oh this is going to be fun!” 

* 

Alfred yawned as he made his way into the ballroom to check on the setup of everything. This dinner and silent auction was going to be a little different tonight since they were going to be having a large crowd of children, nearly all of them from the orphanage in Robbinsville who would be benefiting directly from this event. The youth center and park would greatly improve their lives--at least that was the hope. Alfred had wanted to make sure that at least some of the food and drink available tonight would appeal to these special guests, though he feared the event tonight was going to be terribly dull for them. 

When he entered the ballroom, decorated with a spring theme, he saw Bruce talking to one of the musicians. “Do you think you could play something that would appeal to your children tonight?” 

The short man Bruce was speaking with was the head of the four string quartet that would be providing music this evening. 

The man frowned. “Ah, yeah, we know a few tunes that the kids might like. We know a string version of Beyonce’s “Love on Top” and “Life on Mars” by David Bowie.” 

Bruce frowned. “Is that it?” 

The man nodded and shrugged. “Sorry, we don’t really get requests for that kind of stuff.” 

Bruce sighed and nodded. “All right that’ll be fine, thank you.” 

The man nodded and left as Bruce turned. “Oh Alfred, is everything all right?” 

“Yes Master Bruce, I was just coming in here to check on the decorations and such,” Alfred replied. 

Bruce smiled looking around. “Everything looks good. You did a great job as always.” 

“Are you feeling well, Master Bruce?” Alfred asked, to which Bruce nodded. 

“Yes, just having a bunch of kids here is going to be awkward. I don’t know why Miss Sheldon insisted on their attendance.” 

“Maybe she wishes to expand their tastes?” Alfred added. 

Bruce chuckled. “Maybe, but more like they are all going to be bored to tears.” 

“Well, sir, I’m sure they will be fine. Should you go and get ready?” Alfred lifted a brow at Bruce who laughed. “Yes, Tim and his father should be here any minute.” 

Alfred nodded as Bruce hurried away, heading upstairs to dress. 

* 

Joker and Harley arrived at the servants’ entrance to Wayne manor, dressed as a couple of waiters. They were both dressed in black slacks, black vests, white dress shirts, and bow ties. Harley wore a short brown wig and glasses while Joker had on a brown wig and makeup that covered his face and neck, while he wore gloves to disguise his hands. Getting in had been easy, they had just blended in with the rest of the staff without anyone noticing. The party was in full swing and very busy. 

Joker groaned as they waited with the rest of the staff for platters to carry out, whispering in Harley’s ear. “These are the ugliest outfits I’ve ever seen! Not one bit of color and not one French maid outfit anywhere! Being rich is wasted on Bruce Wayne.” 

Harley tried not to laugh at him. “Puddin, just focus on the joke.” 

Joker grumbled. “Yeah yeah.” 

Once they had gotten their plates of hor d'oeuvres, the two of them quickly took off, slipping quickly into a corner with the prizes. 

Joker handed Harley his platter, then while she balanced the two platters, he pulled out a bag of white power. 

Joker snickered. “One tiny sprinkle of this and everyone will break out in splotchy red hives that will itch like crazy. The more they scratch, the worse they’ll itch and then they will break open and ooze too. You should have seen Boomer, it was awful.” 

“Boomer?” Harley asked with confusion. 

Joker chuckled while he sprinkled. “Don't worry about him sweets, he’s dead now.” 

Harley giggled while Joker began to sprinkle the white powder over the food. 

“Do you have enough for everything?” she asked. 

Joker snorted. “‘Course I do.” He pulled out another baggy filled with the same white powder and shoved it into Harley’s pocket. “We get the punch and try to tag as many trays of food as we can, plus the desserts on the table.” 

Harley giggled. “This is gonna be great!” 

But as the two of them headed out with the itchy laced food, they both stopped short seeing the children scattered through the ballroom. 

Joker hissed. “Ah, fuck.” 

* 

Chris, a thick boy with blonde hair, and David, a slight boy with dark eyes and skin the color of coffee sighed in unison. 

They were both thirteen and bored out of their minds. They were part of a group of twelve children brought here to represent the orphanage and while they were both looking forward to the youth center, which promised classes in judo and boxing (they were also excited about the park but too old to let anyone know), they were bored. There were a lot of adults, some really hot models in slinky, scandalous dresses, but after about an hour even that wasn’t as exciting as it had been when they first arrived. They were the eldest of the group, the rest of the kids were between the ages of twelve and six and all of them were starting to wonder how much longer they were going to be expected to stay. They had tried to sneak off and explore the mansion, but they had been caught almost instantly by some old guy named Alfred. 

Now they were standing by the table where one of the punch bowls sat, waiting for a good moment to slip in the bottle of laxative powder they had brought just in case the party got boring--which it had. Chris looked around and started to pull the small bag filled with the laxative powder that they had stolen from Mr. Lancaster’s room. He glanced at his friend who was standing and looked out. David nodded and Chris started to pour the powder into the bowl when a dark, sinister voice hissed, “And what do you think you two are doing?” 

Chris jumped a foot, nearly dropping the entire bag into the punch bowl. Both David and Chris turned to see two waiters, some guy with scary eyes and a pretty woman with a pretty smile, both of them grinning at them, though the guy’s smile was rather frightening. 

“Nothing,” they both said in unison. 

Joker glanced back at Harley with a grin. “All right, so what did you put in the punch bowl? Be honest with me--my associate and I will know if you two are lying.” 

Chris looked at David, who looked back at him, the two of them seeming to decide that the jig was up. 

David frowned, then said softly. “We were bored and...we brought some laxative powder. Please don’t tell Mr. Lancaster, he’ll get really mad and we won’t get any dessert.” 

Chris muttered, “And we’ll get grounded too, for like a week.” 

David added. “Maybe two…” 

Joker pressed his lips together, his eyes wide as he tried not to laugh. He turned to look at Harley and giggled as he said under his breath. “They brought laxative powder and put it in the punch.” 

Harley giggled. “Well, you did say that some jokes are timeless.” 

Joker turned back to the two kids. “All right, we’re not going to tell on you, but only because we are going to let you two in on a secret that you need to share with your friends, but you can’t tell any of the adults. Now this is very important, you have to swear to tell no adults and you’ll listen to everything we tell you.” 

David and Chris looked at each other again, then back at the waiter. “Ah...well we’re not supposed to go anywhere with strangers,” Chris said, though David piped up. “Well we’re also not supposed to talk to strangers, but this whole room is filled with them…” 

Harley smiled, both the boys immediately liking her. “You don’t have to go anywhere. See, my puddin and I are playing a joke on the people here too.” She looked around, leaning down to whisper. “We’re putting itching powder on all the food.” 

David and Chris snickered and David added. “But you guys are adults.” 

“So?” Joker grinned. “This room is filled with a bunch of boring stuffed shirts. We just want to liven the party up, just like you boys, except while your prank may take up to an hour or so to work, ours will be instantaneous.” 

“But if we get caught, won’t they stop giving money for the youth center?” Chris asked, but Joker and Harley chuckled with Harley murmuring. “Of course they won’t. That would make them look bad…” 

“And they wouldn’t get their tax write-offs,” Joker added. “And rich people love to get tax write-offs.” 

“But won’t we get blamed?” David asked, his fists on his hips. 

Joker chuckled. “Oh probably, but only at first. It won't take them long to figure out who really did this.” 

The two boys shared a look, then David asked. “So what do you want us to do?” 

“Well, first, don’t eat or drink anything out here. If you must eat, go into the kitchen and get something because you and your friends are going to sprinkle this…” he held up another bag, causing Harley to hiss. “How many do you have on you puddin?” 

Joker snickered. “Oh, about a dozen.” 

Harley laughed softly as he continued. “You and your friends sprinkle this stuff over all the food and in all the drinks, then just stand back and watch, it’s going to be hilarious! And of course, don’t get any on your skin.” 

The boys frowned. “What is it?” David asked. 

“Itching powder,” Joker whispered conspiratorially. 

The boys both giggled. 

Joker and Harley shared a chuckle with them. 

Joker gave them each several bags to pass out. “Let the games begin!” 

* 

Along with the children (who were all bored and more than ready to help play a prank on the adults), Joker and Harley served their tainted food with a smile while the children sprinkled the powder on most of the food and drink, drastically cutting the time it would have cost the two of them to do it alone. 

Joker giggled, giving Harley a pinch on her rear in his excitement. She jumped, barely stopping herself from squeaking. 

“Puddin!” she whispered low at him with a mildly irritated expression. 

Joker giggled. “I can't wait for the itching to start! This is going to be epic. Almost makes me wanna have children,” he said softly looking out on the ballroom as the children sneaked around finishing up with the powder. “I mean, look at the little devious darlings.” 

Harley smiled. “Well puddin, we always could if you want.” 

Joker fronwed. “A little clown of our own? Nah, children are cesspools of germs. Who needs that?” 

Harley smiled, resisting the urge to kiss him and drag attention to them. 

Joker rubbed his hands together. “Now, one more thing left to do sweets.” 

Harley lifted a brow. “I thought the itching powder was it?” 

Joker snickered. “Oh please, this is us--of course that isn’t it.” He gave her an evil smile. “Remember a while back, I was trying to make that explosive gel, but all we got was super sticky gel, better than super glue?” 

Harley made a face. “Yeah, I remember because that stuff got everywhere and everyone kept getting glued to stuff until you made that solvent. I thought you promised me no more of that stuff.” 

Joker shrugged. “Well I didn’t make any more, I just saved some of it...just in case and now this is just in case!! We’re gonna put it on the toilet seats!” 

Harley frowned. “Why...OOoooh!” 

Joker giggled like a little boy. “Exactly! You bring your polaroid camera like I asked?” 

Harley nodded. “Yep, of course I did puddin.” 

Joker took her hand. “Come on, I think I read online that this place has at least eight bathrooms so we gotta move quickly!” 

Harley giggled letting her puddin drag her along. 

* 

Bruce Wayne sipped his champagne (he wasn’t interested in the punch, which was some sort of fruity vodka, not his favorite) and stood over to one side, a model standing on either side of him. Their names were Giselle and Tina, both very beautiful women, but he wasn’t really interested in either of them and he was afraid they both knew it, though he was trying his best to keep up the illusion of the playboy billionaire with no worries doing a charity event for the people. For some reason, he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. 

He caught movement from the side and looked over only to see two of the orphans, two little boys dashing after two waiters. He frowned slightly, watching the two waiters. Something about their gait looked familiar, but he couldn’t place what it was--must have had them working here for another party. He was sure that half the wait staff had worked at least one Wayne party since he had so many throughout the year. 

His attention was drawn by Richard Sionis who came over, a woman--both models as well--on each arm. “Bruce Wayne! You know I’m actually surprised to see you at your own party. Don’t you usually put in an appearance then vanish?” He laughed. “Never seen someone get as bored at their own parties as Bruce Wayne,” he told the two women on his arm. “Now I keep telling him if he adds a little spice to the parties…” 

Bruce narrowed his eyes slightly. “I don't do drugs Richard.” 

Richard smiled. “More's the pity, might loosen up that ass of yours. For a playboy billionaire, you really are a tight ass in regards to a little fun.” 

Richard untangled himself from one of his women to grab some an hors d’oeurve off one of the trays; this one carried fried squash blossoms stuffed with ricotta. All the ladies with them did the same, picking up hors d’oeurves, though Bruce refrained. He sipped his drink trying to keep his expression neutral instead of angry. He hated Richard Sionis. The man possessed many, many vices, most of them illegal, but he always donated generously to charity, probably to sooth his guilty conscience. 

“So what’s this event for again?” Richard asked as he popped the fried squash blossom into his mouth. 

Bruce sighed, swirling his glass of champagne while trying to remain calm. “We are raising money for a youth center and park.” 

“Ah, for kids.” Richard sighed, then added with a grumble. “I hate kids.” 

Bruce muttered, “You have kids.” 

Richard laughed. “My wife did. I just provided the semen. Our little darlings,” he said with sarcasm. “...are all my wife’s.” He sniffed, glancing over at the blonde on his arm. “Janet, run over and get me some punch.” 

Janet, a tall leggy brunette went over to the table to fetch Richard his drink as he grabbed another hors d’oeurve off another passing tray, this one containing crab and avocado toasts. He popped it into his mouth before asking. 

“So have you reconsidered selling me that Aston Martin Valkyrie of yours yet?” Sionis asked around the bit of food in his mouth. 

Bruce narrowed his eyes (he hated it when people talked with their mouth full) before he sighed. “No, the answer is still no.” 

Richard frowned and scratched at his throat. He scratched slowly, then a little more frantically. After a couple of seconds he switched his scratching--with a deep frown--to his shoulder, then his chest, scratching more frantically each time. 

Bruce stared at him. “Something wrong Richard?” 

“No, just…” Richard scratched at his belly, a perplexed expression on his normally smug face. 

Janet returned with the punch, scratching at her arm. 

Richard grabbed the cup of punch and swallowed it down. “God, suddenly I’m feeling all itchy!” 

Janet frowned, scratching at her shoulder. “Me too.” 

Giselle scratched at her face and that was when Bruce saw the angry red hives appearing on her cheeks. 

Tina had started to scratch at her cleavage. “Me too.” 

Richard growled at Bruce. “What’s going on here?!” 

Bruce realized that everyone was twitching and scratching around them. His eyes widened as he looked around the ballroom and saw nearly everyone was scratching, some of them almost violently so while others looked as if they were struggling to remain still, but were twitching and jerking in place like it was some strange, new dance. 

Bruce frowned. “I don’t know what’s happening--let me find Alfred.” 

Bruce hurried to find his butler. Something was definitely wrong. 

* 

Joker and Harley were watching the ballroom from around a corner. In every part of the ballroom someone was scratching something and already a couple of people had taken off--presumably for the bathroom--after Joker had taken the rest of the boy’s laxative powder and slipped into the kitchen to spike all the drinks that were being carried out into the ballroom for those not interested in the punch. 

He pressed his lips together, but his eyes were tearing up with the effort to refrain from laughing. This was so perfect, he couldn’t have planned this better!! This had to be the greatest April Fool’s joke ever, Joker thought with glee. The kids, once the itching among the adults had started, were all hiding under the refreshment table with some non-polluted cookies that he had stolen from the kitchen for them and glasses of untainted milk that Harley had snagged for them (no one had noticed that the children were no longer present.) 

Joker took Harley’s hand. “We better make our escape sweets before the shit hits the fan or everyone’s pants turn brown since a few people should now be realizing that they are stuck to their thrones.” 

Harley giggled. “That’s terrible…” 

Joker laughed, pulling her along. “I know!! Isn’t it grand!” 

* 

Alfred scratched at his throat when he heard the sound of someone screaming for help from the bathroom located off the library. He almost had not heard the person, but he had been passing through the library heading to his room to grab the Benadryl, which had him passing by this particular bathroom when he heard the cry for help. 

Stopping by the door, Alfred knocked lightly. “Hello? Sir, Ma’am?” 

“Yes! Please help me! I’m stuck!” The person inside sounded male. 

“Sir, I’m going to open the door,” Alfred told them, then slowly opened the door. The first thing that hit him was the smell which was quite pungent, followed by the fact that a man, oh, not just any man, but Levi Crowne owner of Crowne Pharmaceuticals, was sitting on the toilet, his pants down, but his face was a splotchy mess of weeping hives. 

Alfred had to fight the urge to step back when he saw the man. 

Crowne looked up at Alfred. “I can’t get up!! It’s like I’m glued down!” 

“Here sir, let me see if I can help.” Alfred took the man’s hands and pulled, only to be jerked back when the man didn’t budge. 

“I don’t know what’s happening!” Crown whined, scratching at his face. 

“Let me see…” Alfred walked into the bathroom further to look at the back of the toilet. Taped against the underside of the toilet lid--barely visible because of Mr. Crowne’s back--was a playing card, but not just any playing card--a Joker card. 

“Excuse me a minute sir…” Alfred reached for the card while Crowne twisted around trying to see what he was doing. “What are you doing? What’s going on?!!” 

“Sir...please just excuse me for a moment. We’ll have you off that seat as soon as we can.” Alfred had the card; he needed to find Master Bruce. 

Crowne whined as Alfred left. “My legs are going numb!” 

* 

Under the table the dozen children were happily eating from a dessert platter. The two waiters who had given them the itching powder to spread around had gotten them some of every dessert available at the party. Some of the desserts were gross, like the grilled pineapple, though the bite-size chocolate cake was great! 

Chris, wearing a milk mustache, was gazing out at the ballroom from under the table cloth. 

He snickered. “Oh no, Mr. Lancaster looks like he’s got ants-in-his-pants!” 

David giggled. “We are still gonna get grounded when they find out, no matter what the waiters said, but it’s worth it! Look at Miss Chester!!” 

Chris cringed. “I don’t think her face is supposed to look that red. She’s got bumps all over her face.” 

“That lady just scratched her ass!!” David chortled. 

Chris giggled. “Yeah man, you’re right, this was worth it.” 

The two boys continued giggling and enjoying their dessert as they watched the adults jump around and twitch. 

* 

Making his way into the kitchen to look for Alfred, Bruce stopped in surprise when he saw the entire kitchen and wait staff were suffering from the same itchiness. 

He didn’t see Alfred, so Bruce found the caterer, a tall, too-thin woman with large bug-like eyes. She was standing in a corner of the kitchen scratching her back up against the wall’s corner like a bear against a tree. 

“What is going on?” Bruce asked as soon as he stopped in front of her. 

The woman whose name was Natalie groaned. “I don’t know!! Everyone has started to break out in hives, but you said no one had a peanut allergy we needed to watch out for, there were no GMO food products used, everything was fresh, naturally grown! I don’t even have any allergies!” she protested. 

Bruce narrowed his eyes. This was more than simply wrong… 

“Master Bruce, may I speak with you?” 

Bruce turned to see Alfred. “In private sir,” Alfred added once he was close. Bruce nodded and the two men hurried off to find someplace they could talk without being overhead. 

Bruce led Alfred to a corner in the front room once they were free of the kitchen. 

“What is going on Alfred?” Bruce asked with concern in his voice. 

Alfred held up the joker playing card. “I found this taped under the lid of one of the toilets Master Bruce, a toilet that Mr. Crowne is currently stuck to with a bad case of gastrointestinal distress and when I say stuck, I also mean that in a literal sense. The man is unable to stand up.” 

Bruce took the card with a groan. “How on earth did they get here again?!! I thought we beefed up security after the last time…” 

Alfred frowned. “Sir, I think the danger comes from anytime we must hire staff outside of our control. I think it might be time that Wayne Industries starts to branch out into catering and security...maybe you should also reconsider having parties here at the manor? They seemed to be drawn to your parties here, few as they may be.” 

Bruce closed his eyes, crushing the card in his hand. “I hate those clowns.” 

Alfred simply added. “Indeed.” 

* 

King Harley Quinn sat on her throne (the couch) wearing a red and gold top coat with beautiful gold embroidery (Bob really was a wonder, she thought with a smile), a red vest, and matching red knee breeches. She had on white socks and a white ruffled shirt along with buckled shoes and one of Joker’s canes. She even had on a white, curled powdered wig and a fake mustache (just to make her feel a little more masculine) all thanks to Bob. She sat with her legs spread, holding the cane between them, her hands resting elegantly as she waited looking as kingly as she could--which she thought was very kingly indeed. 

Harley had her nose in the air while she waited, but luckily she didn’t have to wait long. The door to their rooms opened and Joker swooped in wearing a lavender Rococo style dress with the wide skirt and corset. The dress was extravagant (props to Bob she thought with a grin) with silk embroidery, ribbon appliques, spangles, and glass stones. Joker even wore the buckled heels and a tall, white wig in pouf style. 

After he swept into the room, he snapped a fan open hiding the bright red lipstick he wore, but Harley could see the long fake eyelashes over the top of his fan. 

“Your Majesty, you called me to your bedchamber, how inappropriate! I am but an innocent fille!” Joker fanned himself speaking with a French accent that would make John Cleese proud. 

Harley snickered before she dropped her voice into a low baritone with an equally outrageous accent. “Well, I am the king my dear and I have the power and the desire to make you do whatever I want.” She smiled and winked at him. 

Joker giggled, fanning himself. “Oh Your Highness! You are such a terrible flirt.” 

“I do not flirt, I demand. And I demand that you be in my bed my delicious, tall, sweet croquembouche. I plan on licking my way over your entire body, finding all the places that make you scream while I suck on that surprise éclair you keep under those skirts.” Harley smiled seductively tossing the cane aside and grabbing Joker by his hips, yanking him in front of her. 

Joker giggled fanning himself. “Your Highness!” 

“I’m going to take a bite out of you my sweet Crème brûlée,” Harley purred before she flipped up Joker’s skirt and dropped to her knees under the fabric. 

Joker made a high pitched squeak. 

Harley’s muffled giggles from under his dress with a growl. “You got stockings on with the little ribbons around your thighs! Ooh...and nothing else…” She cooed then sighed huskily. “I love it.” 

Joker grinned followed by his blue eyes rolling with pleasure as Harley started to demonstrate exactly how much licking, sucking, and biting she meant to do. 

“Je suis excité!” he groaned.


End file.
